Several Sundays ago, I was peacefully sipping my coffee in Starbucks. The mood was calm and I was looking forward to relaxing…and people watching. I struck luck and before my fifth sip, my ears perked up. A young lady and young man at another table were conversing quite loudly. It was obvious the two were not boyfriend-girlfriend, but mutual friends animatedly discussing relationships. Evidently, this young lady had a boyfriend she liked, but recently he had been doing some things that annoyed her. She didn’t know what to do, and naturally, she was gossiping about it to another friend who offered her “advice” in return. But the lady still looked troubled.
She is not alone in her dilemma. All too many young men and women are looking for love and answers in all the wrong places. I’m no expert, but I do know that the only answer is found in Christ and in His Word.
Questions I have found that most young people ask are; “How far is too far?” or “Is kissing before the wedding day bad?” or “is holding hands appropriate?” etc. I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, but I have developed some thoughts on these areas from studying what God’s Word says. I also check my own findings with my parents, and other authors who have written on the subject. Scripture says, “There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors.” This is one area that wise counselors are definitely an asset.
At some point while listening to the friends talk, two thoughts popped into my head. First, I was very thankful that I had handed over my future desires of marriage to the Lord. I never hope be so distraught over a relationship like she was. And secondly, a blog post on Boundless that caught my eye sometime ago (leave it to me to blog it much later than normal) popped back into my head.
The article itself doesn’t have to do with relationships or whether dating or courtship is the way to go; the topic is something small, perhaps trivial to some, but important to me. The topic – holding hands.
Motte Brown, a contributor to Boundless Line, says in his article regarding this subject,
Though certain kinds of intimate expressions may fall within Paul’s instruction to young men in 1 Timothy 5:2 to treat “younger women as sisters, with absolute purity,” dating couples should also be concerned about what these expressions mean — to each other and to those around them.
In a follow up article to this, Ted Slater also shares his thoughts,
She [Ted's then-finace] and I both knew the truth that Motte spoke of — that holding hands “send[s] the message to a sister that reads, ‘You’re mine.’” The thing is, Ashleigh and I were courting — merely exploring whether or not it was the Lord’s will for us to be married — and so she was in fact not yet “mine.” And so I felt it inappropriate to communicate that to her by holding her hand.
While I do not plan on dating, I believe that this same principle applies to those who may believe in courtship. While many people may consider Ted a bit off his rocker, I have to agree with him. Holding hands sounds so trivial in our culture, even in the Christian culture. We talk of physically saving ourselves for marriage, we talk of saving our first kiss, but this is just as important. I may sound radical to most, however, I don’t plan on holding hands until I’m engaged.
Why?
When one is in a courtship, they are not bound to the other person. Like Ted states, holding hands indicates something. It sends a message to those around me that “he is mine and I am his”. The question I have to ask is: do I want to communicate this during courtship? Furthermore, if both the young man and woman feel marriage to each other isn’t possible, why would one want to communicate this? Another question one should ask is, “if my future spouse were standing here, would he/she like to see me holding hands with this person?”
Personally, I don’t want to do so.
Obviously, I still haven’t come to any firm conclusions. My conclusions on such matters have not been refined because I have yet to experience them. However, I do set certain standards that I will abide by. One of which is the fact that I will not hold hands before engagement. Others may disagree with my decision, but I feel that it’s worth it.
…And in case you’re really wondering, I also plan on saving my first kiss for the marriage altar. But that’s a post for another day!
For Discussion:
Do you feel it’s appropriate to hold hands during courtship or after engagement?
